


Rattus Norvedicus

by grayspider1974



Series: Ivar's World [13]
Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-24 01:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18159485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Ivar and Hvitserk encounter a member of the species Rattus Norvedicus, and Ivar's cell phone is returned





	Rattus Norvedicus

**Author's Note:**

> Norway rats are larger and more aggressive than the common brown rat, and highly intelligent, and as their name suggests they originated in Northern Europe (much like the Norse). I woke up one night to find one cozily curled up on my shoulder, licking my ear!

Ivar had suffered from night terrors as a child and until they had moved from their family home he and Hvitserk had always slept in bunk beds just in case he woke up screaming in the middle of the night, but Hvitserk had not heard his brother's ghastly screams since then, and had hoped he would not hear them again. He switched on the light, and asked "Are you OK? I hope for Frig's sake that you didn't wet the bed..."  
"I haven't done that since I was six," said Ivar. He was cocooned in a puffy duvet, and although Ivar was high functioning and legally an adult his narrow, beardless brown face and wide blue eyes looked somehow childlike. "There's something crawling around in my bed...I woke up and felt it licking my ear. I think it likes the taste of coconut oil."  
Hvitserk peered about his brother's room, which was a mess as always. Something popped out from under the duvet and scuttled away, burrowing under the heaps of dirty black T shirts and jeans, but when it reached the edge of the pile the end of it's whiskered nose poked out, twitching apprehensively. Hvitserk kicked aside the laundry pile and a large, black Norway rat scuttled past him, squealing in panic.  
"I'm going to head down to the walk-in clinic as soon as the buses are running," said Ivar. "That beast looked quite healthy, but you never know when it comes to things that live in the sewers. How's your hand, anyway?"  
"I'm still on antibiotics," said Hvitserk "but Floki says he'll talk to his brother and ask him to give back your phone."  
Ivar squinted and shook his head. "I dunno..." he said. "Swedish sewer clowns are a little bit...well...unpredictable..."

A week later, Ivar was digging in one of the cupboards for some pickled herring when he came nose to twitchy, whiskery nose with the rat. She was a big, fat thing with prominent teats and glossy black fur that shone as though she had dressed it with Ivar's hair oil, and she was chewing on a pizza crust that Hvitserk had probably neglected to dispose of properly "Get outa here!" Ivar snapped. "This ain't Ratatouille!"   
The rodent regarded him with black, beady, fearless eyes. Ivar snarled and reached for a large and heavy cleaver, then saw that the rat had a mesh pouch strapped to her back. Inside this was a square package with a note attached to it, written on a card with red balloons printed on it. In large block letters the note read "HERE IS YER PHONE, KID. FLOKI SED YU WUZ ALL RIGHT, AND THAT I SHUD GIVE IT BACK. I USED IT TO TAKE A FEW PICS. ERASE THEM IF YOU WANT. YURS TRULY, PENNYWISE." Ivar checked his phone, and saw that there was a new file containing pictures taken up ladies's skirts from a very low angle. He erased all of them except for a couple that were of girls who had exceptionally fine posteriors and read the post script. "P.S:DON'T FLUSH UNUSED PAINKILLERS OR OTHER DRUGS DOWN THE CRAPPER. THE RATS AND SEWER GATORS GET HIGH ON THEM!" The rat twitched her whiskers and chittered, then disappeared through a ragged hole at the back of the cupboard."  
"I gotta get some glue traps, and maybe some Warfarin," Ivar said to himself.

"I don't know which is worse," said Ivar. "Your girlfriend or that little dog of hers." Magrethe had helped herself to something from the kitchen without asking, and was sitting on Hvitserk's bed eating it. "I hope she doesn't give you crab lice again!"  
"She's been out on the streets since Ubbe screwed her over, and she said she was pregnant so show a little compassion for once in your life," said Hvitserk.   
"Hey, these crackers taste funny..." said Magrethe.   
"Where did you find them?" Hvitserk said."  
"Under the sink in the kitchen," said Magrethe as her nose started to bleed.   
"Oh, sweet Frig..." said Hvitserk, and he grabbed his phone and dialed 911. "Ivar," he said. "You said you went and bought some Warfarin, didn't you? Where did you put it?"  
"Under the kitchen sink," said Ivar. "I also got some glue traps."   
"Hello 911? I need poison control..." Hvitserk said, as Magrethe's Lhasa Apso clattered past with a glue trap stuck to its nose.


End file.
